April 4th, 2018

Every morning (those mornings get fewer but the days/weeks after, it was every morning), before I get out of bed, that morning runs through my head.  From when I woke up and what I said to my husband, to my feet hitting the floor and then the chaos that consumed our morning afterward. Kind of like the movie "Groundhog Day".   It was typical for both of our daughter's to be "sacked out" in the living room.  Usually having fallen asleep while watching TV or "Face-timing" with friends.  So, I didn't think that anything was abnormal when my daughter wasn't in her room. I yelled into the living room and told my husband to wake Erin up and he yelled back that she is in her room, that she didn't sleep in the living room.  I looked in her room again and saw her cell phone laying on her bed.  Then, panic set in.  For both of us.  By this time, we had woke our oldest daughter up and we all searched frantically.  Inside of the house, outside of the house.  What we found was worse than my imagination could have mustered while we were searching.  My worst fear was that she had been kidnapped, or ran away.  Or really would it have been?  I have no idea.  Sometimes, I think to myself of all of those parents out there that are constantly searching for their children.  Their children that have gone missing and they have no answers.  Would that be worse than what we discovered that morning?  I just don't know.  Probably.  But then, there would be hope.  Hope to find their child, to see them again.    But then, even in our situation, we also have hope.  Romans 5:2-5 says " We know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance produces character; and character produces hope." Well, if God is using our suffering to produce hope, it sure is working.  After the events of that morning, and everyone left our house, I stood in the kitchen.  I remember, standing there staring at the stove.  And my phone starting going off like a slot machine.  I couldn't even begin to start reading the messages.  I looked at my husband and he looked like he had aged.  My heart broke for him.  It broke for me.  I looked at my oldest daughter, sitting on the couch, and realized that in a matter of one night, she went from being an older sister to an only child.  I looked back at the stove.  And then I picked my phone up and read a few messages.  They mostly read "prayers..."  "if you need anything.."  and one that I read made me mad.  For like a split second.  It read "I am praying for your marriage."  I looked at the stove and couldn't believe that this person thought my marriage could be in trouble.  We are Josh and Terri.  We aren't in trouble.  Then I looked at my husband and thought "Oh wow, this could tear us apart".  My husband looked at me right then and said "Are we going to be ok?"  I looked at the stove.  And then I looked at him and said with the most certainty.  "Yes".  I have since called the friend that sent me that message about my marriage and told them that I was mad and loved them for it.  I decided right then, while staring at the stove, to start hitting our knees in prayer.  I even said to God (or perhaps it was the stove, I have no idea) "How on earth do you expect me to pray for peace just 2 hours after finding out our daughter committed suicide when we don't even know why yet?!"  How could we pray for something that we don't even know why we are praying for it? And that's what we prayed.  We prayed for our marriage and we prayed that God opens our hearts to not worry about the "why", but more so, the healing.  And that is what I continue to pray for.  I searched the Bible for verses about little faith, because I will be honest, I told God that I didn't have much and that he was just going to have to use what I have.  And I was reminded of  Matthew 17:20 . I thought, surely, I can find that much but I argued with Him that he was really going to have to prove Himself to me because so far, he wasn't batting a good average.