Grieving Like Job

I don't really like the word "Grieve".  Just like I don't like the word "Awareness" . I use both words but I don't really like them.  That has nothing to do with this post, just thought I'd share.  I might come up with replacement words some day.  Who knows.  At any rate.  I read the Bible every day.  Some days I will Google "Bible verse for faith" or "Bible verse for hate"  or "Bible verse for how to keep your house organized" or "Bible verse on how to keep your mouth shut".  You'd be surprised what topics the Bible covers.  Pretty much everything.  2 Sundays ago, our Pastor told us to start reading Job, that we would be doing a 2 week Study.  Well, I can already tell you, it's gonna need to take more than 2 weeks.  I think I might text my pastor and tell him that.  I bet he doesn't listen.  He probably already has a plan.  But this is one of those stories where I have lots of questions.   There is a lot of stuff in there.   Kinda like Lot's Wife.  I still have questions about that and it is on my list of things I want to ask Jesus about when we are having coffee together.  I hope I get to ask Jesus questions . Not sure how all of that works but Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart."  Well, it is the desire of my heart  to sit at a kitchen table and have coffee with Jesus and ask questions.  And I look forward to it.  Like I said before, I'm not gonna do anything to jack that up.    Ok, back to Job.  I've always heard people say things like "He has patience like Job".  I get it.  Job was patient. He was dealt a lot of stuff to test his faith.  I didn't know what stuff and  I never really studied it and if I am being honest, I didn't really care to.  I thought I knew Job.  He was the guy that was patient, right?  Well, since we were told to read the book of Job in church, I've decided to do my homework.  I haven't read the whole book yet but I know enough to know what I am about to write.  This might be a 2-parter, not sure. So, as I am reading it, I see that Job is in God's favor.  Satan comes along and tells God that the only reason Job is so faithful is because he has never given Job anything to test his faith.  So basically Satan has permission from God to cause all sorts of havoc on Job.  Job's kids die, he loses his farm, gets all kinds of skin funk, all sorts of craziness.  Y'all need to read it.  The part that got me was that Job starts complaining, asking God why this, why that, why was I born, etc.  I realized that Job wasn't being patient ( or maybe he was, but this is my interpretation) . He wasn't being patient.  He was very, very tired because even though he is going through all of this stuff that nobody should have to go through, and even though he is whining and complaining, he doesn't one time blame God for the bad things going on in his life and he is doing everything in his power to remain faithful.  That is exhausting.  I imagine Job looking tired, bags under his eyes, waking up sleepy and not understanding why, after a night of sleep, is he still tired.  After Erin passed, I had read that one of the ways that people grieve is through exhaustion.  You just can't quite pinpoint it.  Your body is tired.  On my way to work this morning, I was thinking "I feel good, and if I am doing everything I can do to do the right things, why is God allowing me to feel tired".  So when I got to work, This morning, I googled "Tired Christian".  I didn't find anything that I felt was relatable.  But for whatever reason, I thought of Job.  Like I said, I haven't read the whole book yet and I wanted to know what happened at the end of the story, because I needed to know that I was ok feeling tired and questioning God  why he is allowing me to feel tired, especially if I am constantly praying and doing only what I feel like He is asking of me.  So I read it, then I texted my pastor.  I jokingly call him my "phone a friend".   Remember that game show "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?"  Kinda like that.  

Here is my text I sent:

And this is my pastors response:

And then it hit me that my googling "Tired Christian" was really right in front of me and I had no idea because when I was reading the Book of Job, I was trying to get the patience part and nothing else.  And I responded to my pastor:

His Response:

I realized that while I am sure Job was being patient, he was probably also grieving and was exhausted from fighting satan, fighting the people in his life who constantly questioned his Faith and also probably fighting himself a little bit and that is where all of the questioning to God came from.  I mean, he didn't just lose one child, he lost ALL of his children, his money, his livelihood, and essentially himself in the fact of the skin stuff.  And not once did he curse God or turn away from Him.  He questioned him, yes.  But I have heard it said over and over again that God wants us to talk to him like a friend, so to me, that makes it ok to question God.  I really hope y'all read the book of Job, from start to finish.  I'm not going to tell you what happens in the end so I will leave with this.  I feel like I have suffered probably one of the worst things that a parent can suffer.  And I am not the only one out there that has suffered things, I get that.  But I am referring to me, since it is my blog and I can't speak for others out there.  I am doing ok.  And I tell people that.  I am not sure that people believe it, but I am.  And I make sure people know that it is by the Grace of God that me, Josh and Emily are ok.    But I am also tired and I know that it is a part of the grieving process.  Not all grieving happens by laying in bed and wallowing in tears.  My grieving just happens to be that I'm tired.  And I gotta tell you, if I am going to grieve, I want to grieve like Job.  

Independence Day

I love Independence Day. It is one of my favorite Holidays.  I love everything about it; the fireworks, the parades, cookouts and well, what this day represents.  For a long time, at least a couple of years, before I go to bed I say a prayer that goes something like this "Thank you God for loving me, even when I am unlovable and do stupid stuff.."  Yes, I say "stupid stuff", because well, I do stupid stuff.  Listen, I talk to God like I'm talking to a friend. If you are my friend, then you probably know what those conversations are like.  I'd like to think he gets a chuckle out of them sometimes.    Erin and I were a lot alike in the fact that she did stupid stuff too.  Like not doing her homework and then trying to cram it in the morning that it was due, not cleaning her room but then shoving everything under her bed so that it appeared to be clean, among other things that she and I would have talks about over ice cream.  Some of the things that she did reminded me so much of when I was her age.  Emily, she is a little more wise than I was at that age.  She is extremely smart and knows what is right and wrong and knows how to discern that voice that is telling her what she is about to do isn't right, therefor she doesn't do it. Or if she does, she tells me about it because she feels convicted.   Oh man, not me.  When I was that age, I heard that voice tell me not to do it, as I was doing it and I was replying to that small voice "YOU SAID NOT TO DO THIS?  WHY? THIS IS FUN!" And then I'd pay the consequence.  My parents always made sure I knew they loved me, as I was getting into trouble.  It didn't happen too often, but when it did, I would question, to myself, the whole situation.  OK, I did something stupid, my parents are yelling at me, but they still love me.  So, as a Mom of teenage daughters, I would find myself in situations where I was yelling at them but in the same breath telling them that "just because I'm mad, doesn't mean I don't love you, it just means that I want you to make choices that I know you know are the right ones".  This is how God is to us.  We make bad decisions, he loves us but we still pay a consequence.  Otherwise, how do we grow and learn?  As an adult, I now know who that small voice is coming from.  And I do my hardest to listen.  Sometimes I don't, and I pay a consequence.  About 4 years ago, before we started going to church, I felt like if God didn't want something to happen, it wouldn't happen.  But what I now know is that God gives us our own independence to make decisions.  He wants us to make the right ones, but he also knows that we are going to do stupid stuff and choose the wrong decision. And he loves us anyway.  Like we love our kids when they do stupid stuff.  Read:   Galatians 5:1,  Philippians 3:12, 1 Peter 2:16
These verses are basically telling us that we are free to choose. Free to make our own decisions, however, do not use that freedom to make stupid decisions.  As Christians who have heard this before, or even if you have NEVER heard this before and are just now hearing it for the first time, now you know that yes, you are free to make your own decisions, but choose wisely.  We are free to live as who we want, but live a life to serve God.  Now we know that when we made those bad decisions that seemed fun or ok at the time that we eventually paid a consequence for, we were a slave to that decision.  Or perhaps you have made a decision that you haven't paid a consequence for yet, but it eats at you.  You worry that you're gonna get caught.  Sometimes you get relief from that worry but then your mind goes back to the "what if I get caught, how will I cover it up?"  You are a slave to that decision. It is like back when I used to drink to get drunk. I'll admit it.  When I used to drink, I liked to get a good buzz.  And the next morning, I'd say "I'm never doing that again.."  It was because I was feeling the aftermath of drinking the night before and it didn't feel good.  No different than going shopping and spending money you don't have.  Afterward, you think "why did I do that?!"  Or maybe you talked crap about someone that didn't deserve it (or maybe they did deserve it but who are you to talk about them?  It's not your issue to handle) and later you feel bad about talking about them.   God doesn't want that for you!  Just think how easy you could rest if you just made the right choice in the first place.  It might have been hard for that moment in time, or may not have been as much fun, but is living out your life in worry of getting caught all that fun?  I don't know about you, but I like a mind free of worry, free of guilt, free of feeling convicted about a decision I have made.  Philippians 3:12 sums it up for us.  Now that we know that we have been made perfect by the love of Jesus, and we know that we have the freedom to make our own choices, we are to press on and make the right choice that makes God happy.  And boy oh boy, do I press.  Sometimes I fall.  And that's not ok because I feel convicted.  I don't like that feeling.  God wants us to be free.  Free to make our own decisions but also free in mind, so that while we are out enjoying life, enjoying the fireworks, the cookouts, the swimming, the friend and family gatherings, our minds can be free to do his work.  You can't be a witness to someone if your mind is cluttered with your own stupid stuff you gotta deal with.  I know, I've been there.  I shared with you a part of my prayer before I go to bed.  My prayer before I get out of bed each morning is that God  takes away my anxiety (a new one for me)  so that I can do things that need to be done at home, to help me made good decisions and to teach me to keep my mouth shut unless it is something productive.  That last one is a hard one.  But I'm working on it.  Just because God gives me the freedom of speech, does not mean I always need to use it 😉.  I pray that everyone has a safe and fun Independence Day and whatever you do today, you do it in a way that is pleasing to God.

Keeping A Full Tank

Have you ever ran out of gas?  When Josh is really tired, he will say "I'm running out of gas.."  But have you ever literally just let your vehicle run out of gas and you have to call someone to come and bring you gas?  I have. Only it was before we had cell phones.  It was the day before our wedding day and I left work at noon.  When I pulled out of work, had I made a right turn, there would have been a gas station for me to fill up, but nope, I chose to turn left because I just knew that I was fine to make it home. Wrong. I worked 9 miles from Bloomfield. I ran out of gas probably 5 miles from Bloomfield.  So, I get out of my car and walk to the nearest house.  Yep, that's what I did.  They gave me what gas they had, which apparently wasn't that much because a mile up the road, I ran out of gas again.  Seriously. So, I get out and walk to the nearest house again and ask if they have any gas.  The guy says "No, but I have a tank, I will take you to town."  So I get in his car.  I swear, I am not making this up.  The guy drove an old school Camaro Iroc Z.  He had long hair and reminds me now somewhat of Joe Dirt.  Again, I promise you that I am not making this up. So,we take off  for Bloomfield.  It never once crossed my mind that this guy could just take off with me.  All I had on my mind was that I was getting married the next day. We get to town and pull into the gas station and I look over and see Josh's Grandma.  Oh. My. Goodness. I was scared and it was so uncomfortable sitting there, trying to hide my face for fear that they would see me.   I was NOT at peace lol.   She never saw me but I can only imagine what she would have thought had she seen me in this camaro at a gas station with some guy who has a mullet with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth pumping gas into a gas tank.  We finally made it back to my car and he put the gas in my car and on my way I went.  Not a worry in the world.  But seriously.  How ridiculous is all of that and how horribly wrong all of that could have went!  All because I chose to take a chance and do what I knew wasn't the best option.  Well, the other day, before I headed to work,  I dropped Emily off at Josh's Grandparents house. When I got to the end of their road, I see this:

I could have turned left to go to Bloomington and stopped at Eastern to get gas.  I knew this was a risky choice because it is quite a bit farther to Eastern than it is to Bloomfield. And there is only 1 gas station at Eastern and what if it was closed?  But I still considered turning left.  And then I remembered the camaro  from August 18th, 2000.  And then I sat there and realized that I do this all the time.  I seem to choose the hardest route.  The route that I am taking a chance, vs the route that I KNOW will get me where I need to be.  So, I turned right toward Bloomfield and filled up my gas tank.  How many times in our lives have we chosen the wrong path or decision, all because we think we can do it on our own or it may seem quicker?  Only to find out that we were totally wrong and if we had just done what we knew was right, it would have been much easier?  I swear, I do this all the time.  Sometimes, it has been really big stuff and other times, really small stuff.  Read Proverbs 28:26. Yep, that sums it up.  Foolish.  Why do you think we choose the harder way of doing things?  For me, it usually either has to do with being in a hurry, scared of what someone will say or honestly just seeing if I can get away with it (Like thinking I could make it to town on an empty gas tank).  God doesn't want that for our life.  He wants us to live our lives to the fullest.  If we are testing Him (and ourselves) by thinking that we can do things on our own, we are being foolish.  And when we don't do the right thing and think we can get away with what seems the easier way, really we are just wasting time because eventually, it will catch up with us.  And then how awful is that?  When I hitched that ride for gas, I think now how terribly wrong that could have went. And when I think back on my life, on the decisions that I made on a whim, the decisions that seemed OK at the time, even though I knew it was wrong, the truth (or the right way) always came out.  And boy was it hard, and exhausting.   And then I thought to myself, I would have just been better off to take the right direction. It may have been inconvenient or hard at the time, but if we do the right thing, if we take the right direction in our life, we will be kept safe.  We can continue to live everyday for God.  When we make the right choices, we don't run out of gas, physically, we keep our tanks replenished.    Doing the right thing will not exhaust you.  It might be scary, it might take a little more time and disrupt your day.   And it might even be a little uncomfortable.  But it is totally worth it to keep your tank full and prepared for God's work and to keep your peace.   

Kool-Aid Jammers and A Tired Jesus

Just to give an idea of how ridiculous I probably looked, sitting outside for a portion of my lunch break.  I headed outside with a coat to sit on (wet picnic table), a pink gift bag to carry my Bible and notebook and my Garfield mug with hot tea.  😎  I decided to read over the story of the Samaritan woman.  <---If you don't know what I'm talking about, read John 4:3-39 .  All of this got me to thinking. 

I have a partial box of grape Kool-Aid Jammers that sits up high where nobody can see it but me (and Josh because he put it there).  I was afraid with all of the people in and out of our house that first few days after Erin passed that someone would drink it.  I also have 2 empty kool-aid jammer bags (are they bags?) that I keep in my car that Erin and I drank on our way home from town on April 3rd, 2018.  Every once in a while, I pull the empty bags out and sniff them.  They still smell of grape.  I know one day, eventually, I will throw them away, but for now, I want them right where they are.  I think back to that night, that drive to town.  Erin was thirsty and asked me to take her to town.  She could have just drank water, but she wanted kool-aid jammers.  But part of me, over the last couple of months have questioned this.  Her opportunity to open up to me, as we talked on our way to town about things like boyfriends (the kind of boyfriend you want to have), high school, college, the future.  Was she drink thirsty or was she thirsty for someone to ask the right questions.  I will never know these answers and I have learned not to dwell on the "what-if's".  But I have also learned (actually, I have known this, I just haven't done it like I should), that if we are always working for God, if we are witnessing like we should, then perhaps people who are thirsty don't have to go out and look for the quenching.  Since Erin's passing, I have ready multiple times, over and over again on people's facebook pages "If you need help, talk to me.  If you need anything, call the suicide hotline number..."  Those people aren't capable of reaching out for help.  If they were, they'd do it, I would think.  It is our job to reach out, to provide that water, if you will.  And sometimes we are tired and don't want to do that, or perhaps we are so busy that we don't have time.  Or even, sadly enough, we are so busy in our phones that we don't see that someone needs help or that someone just needs to talk or we miss that opportunity to witness.  But Jesus also got tired.  That's right folks, Jesus was tired and he took a break.  Even Jesus took a break. Imagine that, Jesus tired.  I'd be tired too if I had to deal with people like me 😉.  I sure am thankful that He loves me.  But how busy are we that we never take a break or take that opportunity to witness.   Let that sink in a minute.  This is how my mind works... In the story that I linked above, Jesus is just walking along, minding his own business when he happens upon this well.  He sits down because he is tired.  And saw this woman.  I've pictured myself as that Woman several times. Ok, I haven't had 5 husbands and sleeping with a 6th guy who I wasn't married to, but I've done plenty of things in my life that I could easily have switched places with her. I'm not going to go through the story because I want you to read it for yourself.  You will find that out with me.  I won't tell you what the verse says, I want you to physically look it up and read it yourself.    But imagine, if the woman at the well was busy on her cell phone, taking selfies by the well and didn't hear Jesus ask her for water?  Ok, I get it, they didn't have cell phones then, but she could have been doing something else distracting.  This happens everyday.  We see it everyday.  How many people do you walk past that is looking down at their phone.  Or perhaps you are the one on your phone.  I know I do it.  Anyway, Imagine if the Samaritan woman missed that opportunity.  Or what if Jesus was snap-chatting with John about the baptisms and he totally walked past the well and didn't notice the Samaritan woman.  Yikes.  Her life could have turned out differently.    At church on Sunday, our sermon was about prayer.  About talking to God.  Our pastor said "We have facebook, snapchat, instagram, all sorts of social media, but we are some of the loneliest people to walk to the planet." It's true.  There are people out there that is hurting, they are thirsty for something.  They may not know what they are thirsty for, but as believers, we know.  And it is our job to provide that water. Even if we are tired.  Because think about Jesus walking back in the day.  It wasn't like he was walking on a paved sidewalk in Nike's, wearing a tank top and shorts, holding a yeti cup so his ice stays cold for the 8 hour walk.  He was tired, I bet his feet hurt.  He had a seat on the ground by the well, asked for a drink of water and then went to work, witnessing to a woman, who probably felt little to no worth,  who was at the well because she was thirsty.

Link:  Grace Wins Everytime

April 4th, 2018

Every morning (those mornings get fewer but the days/weeks after, it was every morning), before I get out of bed, that morning runs through my head.  From when I woke up and what I said to my husband, to my feet hitting the floor and then the chaos that consumed our morning afterward. Kind of like the movie "Groundhog Day".   It was typical for both of our daughter's to be "sacked out" in the living room.  Usually having fallen asleep while watching TV or "Face-timing" with friends.  So, I didn't think that anything was abnormal when my daughter wasn't in her room. I yelled into the living room and told my husband to wake Erin up and he yelled back that she is in her room, that she didn't sleep in the living room.  I looked in her room again and saw her cell phone laying on her bed.  Then, panic set in.  For both of us.  By this time, we had woke our oldest daughter up and we all searched frantically.  Inside of the house, outside of the house.  What we found was worse than my imagination could have mustered while we were searching.  My worst fear was that she had been kidnapped, or ran away.  Or really would it have been?  I have no idea.  Sometimes, I think to myself of all of those parents out there that are constantly searching for their children.  Their children that have gone missing and they have no answers.  Would that be worse than what we discovered that morning?  I just don't know.  Probably.  But then, there would be hope.  Hope to find their child, to see them again.    But then, even in our situation, we also have hope.  Romans 5:2-5 says " We know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance produces character; and character produces hope." Well, if God is using our suffering to produce hope, it sure is working.  After the events of that morning, and everyone left our house, I stood in the kitchen.  I remember, standing there staring at the stove.  And my phone starting going off like a slot machine.  I couldn't even begin to start reading the messages.  I looked at my husband and he looked like he had aged.  My heart broke for him.  It broke for me.  I looked at my oldest daughter, sitting on the couch, and realized that in a matter of one night, she went from being an older sister to an only child.  I looked back at the stove.  And then I picked my phone up and read a few messages.  They mostly read "prayers..."  "if you need anything.."  and one that I read made me mad.  For like a split second.  It read "I am praying for your marriage."  I looked at the stove and couldn't believe that this person thought my marriage could be in trouble.  We are Josh and Terri.  We aren't in trouble.  Then I looked at my husband and thought "Oh wow, this could tear us apart".  My husband looked at me right then and said "Are we going to be ok?"  I looked at the stove.  And then I looked at him and said with the most certainty.  "Yes".  I have since called the friend that sent me that message about my marriage and told them that I was mad and loved them for it.  I decided right then, while staring at the stove, to start hitting our knees in prayer.  I even said to God (or perhaps it was the stove, I have no idea) "How on earth do you expect me to pray for peace just 2 hours after finding out our daughter committed suicide when we don't even know why yet?!"  How could we pray for something that we don't even know why we are praying for it? And that's what we prayed.  We prayed for our marriage and we prayed that God opens our hearts to not worry about the "why", but more so, the healing.  And that is what I continue to pray for.  I searched the Bible for verses about little faith, because I will be honest, I told God that I didn't have much and that he was just going to have to use what I have.  And I was reminded of  Matthew 17:20 . I thought, surely, I can find that much but I argued with Him that he was really going to have to prove Himself to me because so far, he wasn't batting a good average.