I don't really like the word "Grieve". Just like I don't like the word "Awareness" . I use both words but I don't really like them. That has nothing to do with this post, just thought I'd share. I might come up with replacement words some day. Who knows. At any rate. I read the Bible every day. Some days I will Google "Bible verse for faith" or "Bible verse for hate" or "Bible verse for how to keep your house organized" or "Bible verse on how to keep your mouth shut". You'd be surprised what topics the Bible covers. Pretty much everything. 2 Sundays ago, our Pastor told us to start reading Job, that we would be doing a 2 week Study. Well, I can already tell you, it's gonna need to take more than 2 weeks. I think I might text my pastor and tell him that. I bet he doesn't listen. He probably already has a plan. But this is one of those stories where I have lots of questions. There is a lot of stuff in there. Kinda like Lot's Wife. I still have questions about that and it is on my list of things I want to ask Jesus about when we are having coffee together. I hope I get to ask Jesus questions . Not sure how all of that works but
Psalm 37:4 says "
Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart." Well, it is the desire of my heart to sit at a kitchen table and have coffee with Jesus and ask questions. And I look forward to it. Like I said before, I'm not gonna do anything to jack that up. Ok, back to Job. I've always heard people say things like "He has patience like Job". I get it. Job was patient. He was dealt a lot of stuff to test his faith. I didn't know what stuff and I never really studied it and if I am being honest, I didn't really care to. I thought I knew Job. He was the guy that was patient, right? Well, since we were told to read the book of Job in church, I've decided to do my homework. I haven't read the whole book yet but I know enough to know what I am about to write. This might be a 2-parter, not sure. So, as I am reading it, I see that Job is in God's favor. Satan comes along and tells God that the only reason Job is so faithful is because he has never given Job anything to test his faith. So basically Satan has permission from God to cause all sorts of havoc on Job. Job's kids die, he loses his farm, gets all kinds of skin funk, all sorts of craziness. Y'all need to read it. The part that got me was that Job starts complaining, asking God why this, why that, why was I born, etc. I realized that Job wasn't being patient ( or maybe he was, but this is my interpretation) . He wasn't being patient. He was very, very tired because even though he is going through all of this stuff that nobody should have to go through, and even though he is whining and complaining, he doesn't one time blame God for the bad things going on in his life and he is doing everything in his power to remain faithful. That is exhausting. I imagine Job looking tired, bags under his eyes, waking up sleepy and not understanding why, after a night of sleep, is he still tired. After Erin passed, I had read that one of the ways that people grieve is through exhaustion. You just can't quite pinpoint it. Your body is tired. On my way to work this morning, I was thinking "I feel good, and if I am doing everything I can do to do the right things, why is God allowing me to feel tired". So when I got to work, This morning, I googled "Tired Christian". I didn't find anything that I felt was relatable. But for whatever reason, I thought of Job. Like I said, I haven't read the whole book yet and I wanted to know what happened at the end of the story, because I needed to know that I was ok feeling tired and questioning God why he is allowing me to feel tired, especially if I am constantly praying and doing only what I feel like He is asking of me. So I read it, then I texted my pastor. I jokingly call him my "phone a friend". Remember that game show "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" Kinda like that.
Here is my text I sent:
And this is my pastors response:
And then it hit me that my googling "Tired Christian" was really right in front of me and I had no idea because when I was reading the Book of Job, I was trying to get the patience part and nothing else. And I responded to my pastor:
His Response:
I realized that while I am sure Job was being patient, he was probably also grieving and was exhausted from fighting satan, fighting the people in his life who constantly questioned his Faith and also probably fighting himself a little bit and that is where all of the questioning to God came from. I mean, he didn't just lose one child, he lost ALL of his children, his money, his livelihood, and essentially himself in the fact of the skin stuff. And not once did he curse God or turn away from Him. He questioned him, yes. But I have heard it said over and over again that God wants us to talk to him like a friend, so to me, that makes it ok to question God. I really hope y'all read the book of Job, from start to finish. I'm not going to tell you what happens in the end so I will leave with this. I feel like I have suffered probably one of the worst things that a parent can suffer. And I am not the only one out there that has suffered things, I get that. But I am referring to me, since it is my blog and I can't speak for others out there. I am doing ok. And I tell people that. I am not sure that people believe it, but I am. And I make sure people know that it is by the Grace of God that me, Josh and Emily are ok. But I am also tired and I know that it is a part of the grieving process. Not all grieving happens by laying in bed and wallowing in tears. My grieving just happens to be that I'm tired. And I gotta tell you, if I am going to grieve, I want to grieve like Job.
